life changing…

A groupmate once shared to me some situations that could be considered life changing. He mentioned these things.
1. death of a family
2. new job
3. loss of a job/retirement
4. change of residence
5. marriage
Maybe there are still on the lists that he failed to enumerate, but i think he’s right. And in addition to that, i also believe that any form of change, significant or otherwise, could make an impact in one’s life. When you’re used to a world of routine that it becomes your comfort zone, it’s very difficult to absorb,understand and embrace change.However, in a hyper dynamic world that we are in right now, we have to cope immediately. Easier said than done, right?

My personal experience on having different groupmates every subject in my grad school can be considered life changing. Like for this term, in all honesty, i have team members i personally dislike. For the past four terms, i was blessed with cool and very productive groupmates, but the term that passed was like a walk in a land of dictatorial state. It was the first time that i encountered some domineering behaviors, very authoritative and very grade conscious. Wow! Am i mirroring on my own personality? Nah! i may be domineering in other situations, but im very much a team player and i believe that leadership is shared. There may be conflicts, yes it’s inevitable since everyone has strong personalities that clash, however, the same must be resolved as long as the team shared one common goal.

This is life changing for me at the moment. A privilege to experience diversity of behaviors and a multitude of personalities. Everything is water under bridge now. And as our class has finally come to a close, i must say it was still a great term. More than the classmates and the conflicts, Quantitative Analysis was a very tiring yet fulfilling subject.

Nightmare attack again!!

I woke up late this morning feeling very heavy. I had a very bad nightmare again. I had two heart stopping, hara kiri kind of nightmare.

The first was that i’m running very fast and without stopping jumped off the edge of the cliff (like how Jacob and his co-werewolves jumped on the water from the ground in the movie New Moon). I fell down with eyes closed that when my feet landed to the solid ground at the bottom of it, i looked up and realized how high my fall was. It was an incredible height that i felt no human being will ever survive from that fall. There were two unrecognized faces who witnessed my fall, followed suit, but they never made it like i did.

The second dream was that i got nearly hit by two colliding cars. I actually crossed the street, stopped in the middle and waited for vehicles to slow down, but these two cars were heading towards me at a very high speed, ready to knock me off in pieces and leave me lifeless. I closed my eyes and waited for the collision to bang the whole of me, but it never happened. I opened my eyes to check what happened but it was then that i woke up, agitated and the whole of my heart beating abnormally fast.

I searched for the meaning of these dreams in the internet and i got this interpretation:
“To dream that you fall and are not frightened suggests that you will defeat your enemies without effort.”
“To dream that you are nearly hit by a car represents that your ambitions in life may not be in line with other’s ambitions. You could also have experienced a wounded ego or traumatic situation.”

Cool meaning and interpretation, huh! I was actually expecting some negative meanings to it that it made me feel uneasy and nervous the whole day. Good thing my fears were unfounded, now i can look forward to a peaceful night and hopefully a dreamless?? slumber.

Random thoughts…

Today is friday. Another week has gone by. Well, i just missed writing. Like anything under the tuscan sun. So what’s inside my head now? Let me think..

Pressure #1> mom’s birthday on monday. And i haven’t started planning on her party yet.

Pressure #2> school final report presentation on saturday. And our group has not started anything yet. Done the part of abstract format to which our professor has approved, how to defend our topic is a dilemma.

Pressure #3> enrollment next week. I’ll be taking up Leadership this time, but i’m having doubts to enroll since budget planning at work commenced already.

Pressure #4> Speaking of planning. I’m having problems regrouping the job. Employees come and go in our department. Right now we lack 5 heads. Now who’s gonna take the job they left behind?

Pressure #5> I’m bored and tired with my current job. Everyday, i go to work late at least an hour behind the official time. Now tardiness becomes a habit.

Pressure #6> I want to move out of house. I want to live independently.

Pressure #7> I hate my boss most of the time. I hate myself more by my very poor performance at work.

Pressure #8> I want to enroll in a gym. I need to lose weight. But how?

Pressure #9> I think i am having a quarterlife crisis. Sometimes i feel very very low.. At times, i’m overly happy. This is insane.

Pressure #10> I have a lot of unfinished tasks – manufacturing model for external reports, financial reports for our small business, analysis of fixed assets, export financials per country and customer.. and a lot more….The list goes on to infinity…

Wow! So this is what makes me today. A life full of pressures and stress. The core of my unhappiness. And having some imperfectly imbalance hormones makes it more difficult to handle things in a perspective of positivity. Everything looks dull and pessimistic. I guess, now is the time to slow down and take a needed rest. I’m just tired. And I will bounce back once i got the energy and the strength again. No pressures and problems i cannot handle. I’m tougher more than i ever thought..

So to all of you out there, have a happy friday. Don’t forget to relax and enjoy the weekend. But take a rest after.. We are not machines. We are capable of getting tired. Love and peace to you all

Some Nightmares…..

I dream a lot, as in every night – in variety of events, settings, places and some unfamiliar faces. And i wake up each morning still recognizing those dreams. Would you believe i had this vivid dream during my youth that until now seemed like it just happened a night before? In fact, i want to believe that it actually happened and not just some dream or imagination. It was a dream where i was walking on barefoot going to the direction where the sun sets during that afternoon. After a half of an hour walk, i saw an elevated surface, climbed on it and looked down. I had this interpreted before, and they told me that i will become successful in the future. Hmm. Not bad! But unfortunately, doesn’t happened yet. Another unforgettable dream i got was that i was running in barefoot again but in a very far unlighted and very dark stretched of an avenue. I just ran until i reached some place brighter.

Just recently, i had another dream which made me wonder what it further insinuate on me or my character. I was running again, this time i was catching a flight that when i reached the airport, i realized i was the only one these people waited – the guards, check in counter clerks. The plane. Yes, the plane was delayed because they waited for me.. Whew! what an absurd and humiliating dream. It was not as if i was a VIP or someone in high society. I wish i could just laugh this dream out, but it bothered me, honestly!

Then two days ago, i dreamed about school. In my dream, i was looking into my wristwatch, saw that it was already 2:30pm and realized that i have a class scheduled at 1:00pm. Then suddenly, my boss appeared and brought me to school (in my high school classroom). When i entered the room, found out that we have a quiz that day and my classmates were already submitting their answer sheets. Then i heard the voice of my professor encouraging me to just drop the subject. Then i went to her, as if seeking for compassion, and explained to her my current condition at the office and how important it was for me to finish my school. She just turned her back on me, and walked away. That’s when i heard the noise of my ear deafening cellphone alarm, with its obnoxious duty to keep my ass off my bed.

Ahh, my wandering restless soul. It continues to traverse even in my quiet and slumber moment. Good to know i still have a healthy mind and soul.. :p

On long term commitments..

Weddings.. Vow of fidelity. Commitments..

I guess i’m just in a lousy mood today that i got this thing in my head. I’m tired being single. I felt that the time has come for me to submit to someone in marriage – completely and absolutely without doubts. The feeling gets stronger everyday that i cannot deny, i long for it to happen very soon. And almost everyone around me has already gone weary waiting for that day to come. Who wouldn’t want to get married in the first place? Maybe there are some few who chose to stay single, however, a majority of the female population around the world still wanted to. Including me.

I couldn’t deny the fact that i’m surrounded by female friends whose marriages have been annulled. Others are still in the process of annulment.Some have been separated for years, while a few are in a relationship with either a separated or worst, to a very much married man.But these doesn’t stop me from dreaming or even desiring to get married. We create our own destiny.

The one thing i am quite aware of, is the fact that in this time and age, marriage is more likely of a business partnership rather than something that is bounded by love. Sometimes it even become too mechanical and obligatory on either of the party to marry just like the need for descendants in power or the need to protect wealth.

For me, the key to longevity in marriage is not just love. It’s bounded more by trust and the acceptance and respect of your partner’s freedom of individuality. Both must have the will and the openness to negotiate, compromise and commit. You must live on the same goal and purpose why you get married. And it’s always best to treat each other as friends more than lovers.

I’m ready alright, but the big question is…am i ready to break my own rules ( of marrying only the man i love.) and gamble on this man who openly expressed interest in me? I am not in love with him (because i am in love with someone else who doesn’t even see my worth and good thing i realized this early, he’s just as pathetic as he claimed it to be.). And i knew little of him. I have not seen him in ages. And we do not live in the same place. Proximity could be an issue that is clearly evident and may pose a threat of who’s gonna live where between us later on. Well, guess this can be resolved by compromise and negotiation if ever. Oh well! Haha.

I’m confident beyond doubt, that he has the clearest and purest of intention to commit himself to me. That he is willing to build his forever with me. I find him very kind and responsible. But is he in love with me? Maybe. I dunno. I never bothered asking since i have no answer yet to the same question.

My friends prodded me to see him very soon. Settle matters with him and be happy as they say. I guess they’re right. It’s high time i’d meet my destiny. Let’s see if there’s some wedding bells in the year 2012, who knows, ! After all, everything is a gamble. Will try my luck.

Each day is a Blessing…

Wow! I’ve been MIA (Missing In Action, that is!) for the past couple of weeks. A lot of things happened to me lately, or shall i say i did a lot of important things that consumed almost all l of my extra time and energy these past weeks. My mom has already undergone a major operation last month. She is still recuperating until now, the lump that has been in her large intestine was already removed and we’re hoping that she’s already cancer cells free. Thanks to her surgeon whom i believed is the best in his field. Thanks to all my friends who tirelessly offered prayers for the success and speedy recovery of her operation. And thanks to Him for giving my mom another chance in life.. Big thank you and big hugs from me..

Before the big O, i was really adamant about mom having an operation at her age. And each day, at least two doctors constantly reminded me of the delays i caused in deciding and the greater effect it may have on my mom. I was just hard headed. Not until one day when i saw mom’s health deteriorating, like in a span of one week, she looked so thin and so sick.. For crying out loud, i cannot tolerate such scene. I mean, i really cannot take seeing someone in pain so i finally agreed to this operation. I was pushed by the circumstance and this is the only choice i had. You might wonder why i do a lot of deciding here, when i still have other siblings to worry other than me. Perhaps, the reason is simple. Because i will singlehandedly shoulder (financially i mean) all costs of the operation. Much as i would love to share this financial burden, however, all of my siblings were already financially stretched – kids education and high cost of living nowadays became an everyday struggle. As agreed, my sisters take turns in taking care of my mom while she was in the hospital, to look after her while she was recovering. Not bad at all. Seemed fair. Because i never liked hospitals. ever. Guess, i still have to work double time on how to become a good nurse.

The good side of this story is, whenever there is the chance – share to someone in need. Could be money, time, prayers, or even yourself. For returns are tenfolds. Perhaps the returns may not be in wealth or material things. It may be packaged as having a perfect health all the time, or a safe trip everyday, free from road accidents and other harmful people, or surrounded by kind and positive people. Sometimes returns may come from other people whose hearts you’ve unknowingly touched, how they looked up at you and wanted to follow in your footsteps. It may come from your work. It’s everywhere… And the fact that we still wake up everyday is very much a blessing. So don’t be afraid to share.. And don’t dare count whatever you have given..For it is in giving, in sharing that we make our life more meaningful..

Belated Happy Easter!

It will pass..

Nothing in this world lasts forever.. It will all pass.. Just like the difficult times that i am experiencing right now. It will pass.. Sometimes, it’s okay to feel pain for us to appreciate joy. Sometimes it feels okay to cry, to be fragile, to be weak.. It’s okay to fall hard, to be lonely, to be misunderstood, to be taken for granted..

It’s okay to fail…

As long as you know how to bounce back. and learn how get up again. You will be alright and emerge a better and stronger person after. This is the essence of life.. This is how it should be lived.

And allow me to be like this for the time being…. i know it will pass..

Tired of Pretending…..

This is a repost of an old blog entry written sometime in September of 2009, i guess this was the time when my heart was bleeding with so much pain and emptiness, and loneliness has enveloped my whole being. I survived though and come out a better and stronger person afterwards. No, i’m lying. I never get stronger when it comes to matters of the heart, hehehe. Here it goes….

“You can pretend that you’re happy even when you’re not. You can pretend that you don’t care. You can pretend that you are unaffected. You can pretend that you are too strong to endure the pains. You can pretend to the whole world that you’re one extraordinary person…. Go ahead! Fool them.. But for all it’s worth, you can never fool yourself.

The truth is, like any other human being in this universe, even to independent and strong willed woman, being single can lead you to despair sometimes. I always feel that i’m all alone, feeling empty and uncertain. Literally, i’m groping in the dark and scared of the life ahead. Will there be a “happy ever after” thing for me? That i’m starting to doubt. Will there be someone out there who will give me the comfort of his embrace after every fight i made (be it career or life battle)? Someone who will make me feel that i’m a woman afterall and needs to be taken cared of?

Maybe it’s just my hormones reacting that’s why i’m so depressed today, or human nature? or maybe my birthday is coming up. Or maybe without my knowledge, this certain man has already reached the core of my heart that caused me some sleepless nights recently, and he, having the enormous power to rule me makes it more difficult to accept that i am once again susceptible to pain. Much as i want to deny my feelings, the yearnings that i try to ignore and pretend that it’s just a normal admiration for the opposite sex , the more that makes me unhappy and miserable.

I may have the courage to admit what i feel for this man, but the person himself will never find out. Or even if he finds out, i’m sure he will never care. Typical him. And i don’t want complications… and rejections.. Let the feeling rest there… in my heart. Like any other woman, i would wish he is the right one for me, but somehow i have accepted the fact that he loves another woman. Or so i thought, i don’t know and i don’t wanna know. No false hopes for me this time. But i believe that if two people are meant for each other, the universe will conspire to make it happen.. Some old cliche, but really true!

Trying to get better…

I can’t really make up my mind. At every opportunity, i change my blog image. From themes, to widgets, fonts, etcetera..And i never get contented, so i changed it again..and again… until i get tired.. So if you happen to drop by here in the past couple of days you might be wondering what the hell is going on with me, when my blog theme kept on changing rapidly everytime you clicked in.

The truth is, i’m still learning wordpress. And blog customization in particular. And all the features in it. I tried almost all the available themes herein, was searching for the best that could clearly represent me and my own persona. However, my fault was, when i did the representation, i was not in my best emotional state, so most of the themes i have chosen looked sad and dull and too dark and surely doesn’t embody my real personality. So i kept on changing its appearance until i finally settle with the one i am using right now.

It’s rather obvious that i am no technology junkie. I am not an IT major, neither have i took courses that are aligned with computer programming or any course related thereto. I was exposed in this kind of thing (blogging i mean) just recently so i need to learn the basics the hard way. Yeah, just the basics only. So learning the basic features and the uses of these widgets, menus, the CSS whatever and etcetera become very interesting. I was trying all the options there is that would improve my site to the next level after being so amateurish. And I apologized for the mediocre blog posts that i usually produce but I am trying to improve my craft and make it better for you.

My learning continues .. Right now i’m trying to figure out how to link other blogs to mine in my sidebar and what the hell are RSS comments and feeds? Do i really need them? :p

To someone who introduced me to this kind of world ( you-know-who-you-are), thank you for the influence. Without you, my ignorance may have remained in me up to this day. I know this is not my thing, but i’m trying to keep up. Though i may lack verbal proofs and actions, i just want you to know that you certainly earned my respect in everything that you do for me. And i will do my best to get better and better until i reach a point where you can finally be proud of me.. @_@

Who knows?

I got the chance to view pictures of my friends on the social networking site Facebook. Man! How i love to see them having fun. There were serious shots on the famous landmark of other countries. Wacky shots at the beach with other friends. A pose with their serious dates. Some candid and stolen shots of every angle from everywhere.. Everything that the camera lenses can capture…Such a lovely sight to behold. So full of life..

I’m wonderin’ how it feels to be like them. Not that i don’t have pictures of me enjoying the same fun as they have. But the kind of feeling where i can also have my financial freedom , where i get to enjoy my own earnings by myself, go to places anytime i like, and just be carefree and alive whenever i want to. Without having second thoughts..

As i look back in vain, i knew what makes me different from my friends. Unlike them, I am burdened with financial responsibilities from my family. I got a lot of siblings who are always in need of my financial assistance. Not that i complain because i’d rather that i’d give them whatever i’m capable of giving than me asking for help from them. It’s just that i am forced to forego some of my own pleasures in order to accommodate them.

Well maybe.. Just maybe.. If not for my purpose driven existence ( that is to serve as financier for my family) , i could have achieved financial stability and also visited Paris or New York or even Sydney since a long time ago. I could have danced the night away and get drunk at the beach with a date. Or do bungee jumping. Or mountain climb. Or buy a new car.. A condo… Anything that a single yuppie must have’s.

Unfortunately right now, these are just but a goal. A dream. Since doing these now will have a significant implication on my financial capacity, especially now that my mom is in need of a continued medication. In time, maybe a year or two.. i might still be given the chance. To do things i really love doing.. Just like what my friends are doing…

Who knows?